If You’re Reading This, be kind to yourself.
Over the past 9 months I’ve developed severe anxiety and every day has been a struggle ever since. I haven’t felt peace since this all started; it’s the most draining thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m still learning a lot about myself and my anxiety, and it has manifested in different ways including sadness, anger, frustration, and shame towards myself, my family, my friends, and my partner. But more recently I’ve been overwhelmed with my anxiety showing up as a feeling of guilt. Guilt for not doing enough, guilt for not being enough, and guilt for simply existing.
I’ve frequently been experiencing days where I wake up and have nothing to be sad or upset over, but for some reason my mind won’t let me feel the peace and happiness that I deserve. At one point, I was so sure that I was depressed, but I’ve always been afraid to seek the help that I need. I often find myself in a crowded room filled with my friends and people I care about, feeling an empty void in my body. My mind tells me that I don’t deserve to feel happy because I’m unworthy and don’t deserve joy or peace, and this mindset has quickly turned into a bad habit.
These feelings of guilt and anger have turned my mind, who was once my biggest supporter, into my biggest enemy. I feel helpless on most days. I’ve started experiencing more frequent panic attacks. I’ve lost every ounce of my self confidence; it took me years to build it and it feels like I’ve completely shattered it over these past few months. It blows my mind how easy it is for me to fall into sadness every single day. I feel like I’m wasting my days away and more often than not I feel a severe detachment from the people in my life. Despite their constant love and support, I’ve truly never felt more alone than I do right now.
The hardest part of it all is that I’m always the person who people go to when they’re struggling, and not once have I ever judged them for it or made them feel guilty for being at a low point. I constantly encourage them to seek help and recognize their strength in doing so, but I can’t seem to do it myself. It’s quite hypocritical, but I’m slowly working on viewing myself through that same lens and treating myself with the same love and support that I treat them with. I deserve to treat myself gently, and I’m trying my best to.
If you’re dealing with something similar, I encourage you to take a step back and treat yourself like you would treat a loved one who is struggling. Create a safe space for yourself in your mind and body - you are worthy of nothing less. You deserve to be here in this world, and you add value and beauty to it. I pray that you never forget that.
Anonymous, Virginia Commonwealth University
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