If you’re reading this, you’re where you need to be.
How many excruciating days of studying have you endured to get where you are that even on the days when you needed a break, you believed you still weren’t doing enough? Like you should be doing more - you NEED to be doing more? I have felt this weight. I knew I wanted to go to medical school. I believed if I wasn’t working towards that goal, then I was wasting time. That all my efforts weren't good enough. But, I’m here to tell you that wherever you are its where you’re meant to be.
I’ve been the person who overdoes herself thinking I had to do more. Yet, if I’m honest, I can’t work through no sleep or mental blocks and suffer the sting of FOMO. So, even with this underlying pressure, I also procrastinate, take naps, and hang with friends. But I used to feel incredibly guilty about taking this time for myself. I hid these thoughts, instead I would compensate by agreeing to more activities. These extra undertakings built up and became so overwhelming I nearly failed a physics course.
I felt foolish and so behind. But I’m here to tell you, trying to do a million things at once, whether you’re well slept or not, leads to subpar results. I finally had to give up and accept that I couldn’t handle all I was doing. But, I felt defeated. Would I lose resume building experiences? Was I going to ruin my GPA? Looking back it’s normal to feel guilty, it’s even normal to bury those feelings, but it’s also ok to not to be doing as well as you perceive others are. I got a C in that class, but fast forward 3 years, I still got into medical school.
However, it took me more than once. Senior year I failed to get accepted. The notion that maybe the C ruined my chances was crushing. Now, looking back, I’m here to tell you it was a blessing. I wasn’t ready. I was still overdoing myself and balancing too many things. I would’ve silently crumbled under the firehose of information and I would’ve had dreadful patient skills. It took me another year to realize what I really wanted out of my education, my career, and how to realistically achieve those goals. I’m here to tell you it’s ok to fail.
In grad school it’s even more difficult to turn that part of your brain off. You worked so hard to get here and there’s so MUCH information, that if you’re not studying, you’re falling behind. While I can’t say I’m always able to turn it off, I can reassure you that you are not behind anyone - you are wherever you are, and that’s where you’re meant to be.
If your brain needs a break, then on the grass in the sun is where you’re meant to be. If you can’t absorb the sentence you’re reading, then on the couch watching TV is where you’re meant to be.
I didn’t follow the study schedules we were given because it wasn’t helping me. I used fewer resources, studied for less than the recommended amount of time, and often only read syllabus notes without watching lectures (sorry not sorry it was more efficient). Even for STEP, I was not physically capable of successfully studying for the suggested hours per day. But, those extra breaks I took made me much more effective.
Those days I spent running trails instead of running through UWorld questions didn’t compromise my score. Those long naps didn’t compromise my score. I could feel the guilt seeping in at times, but I received a score I was happy with. I didn’t need to feel guilty or kill myself to do it, and neither do you.
If you’re reading this, I’m glad I was rejected the first time. I’m glad I learned from mistakes. I’m glad I spent nights with friends, days traveling, and afternoons sleeping. You are where you’re meant to be.
Samatha C. BUSM MDPhD
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
