If you’re reading this, take it slow, and you’ll figure it out.
I don’t know how to start this letter as I resent speaking about myself and then manifesting it in a way to provide insight, but I will attempt it. Here’s my long-standing battle with anxiety.
My childhood was unorthodox in too many ways. Growing up in a family splintered by divorce at the age of 7 after unearthing a second family, experiencing mental and sexual abuse, and the laundry list continues...
Due to the instability from the beginning, throughout my explorations of life, I unknowingly sought safe spaces and people that provided a sense of consistency in my eyes. I wanted to be with them and please them and, in return, hoped for their approval and love. This, sadly, fostered a shadow of anxiety around my life.
Growing up, I slept at friends' houses as much as possible, where I knew there was a semblance of a functional nuclear family (two married parents and happy kids). I went abroad to Italy to live in a ‘normal’ house that had nightly family dinners. I also picked partners whom I thought could fill the void.
Later on, after graduation, this transcended into forming a long unhealthy relationship in which my partner cheated, building more on my past traumas and insecure attachment style. In my mind, I still needed to maintain that sense of stability, so I stuck with the relationship until I couldn’t.
Afterward, I went into a transit lifestyle, trying to do everything and anything I could. I kept trying to maximize moments that could distract me and used alcohol as a crutch, compromising my true self and promoting my anxiety.
Then I had an epiphany when my therapist noticed my mind was slowing and I was talking slower. She later diagnosed me with moderate anxiety. With that, I finally started to be honest with myself, tried medication, and abstained from alcohol. With the help of family, friends, and a therapist, I started my journey to master my anxiety and live life awake and confident.
Here are a couple of tips that helped me through it:
Life is messy – it’s more smoke and mirrors than people talk about. Don’t sweat the small stuff; sometimes, you need to change things up.
It’s ok to be uncomfortable; you are not the only one.
Make stability in instability. When you can try to create hard tasks for yourself that add comfort, you don’t need to find it in other things and places.
Impermanence – feelings and moments are temporary. Take a breath and let them pass when you need to.
Sincerely,
Anonymous.
Wake Forest ‘17