If you’re reading this, you will be loved for who you are, even if it seems impossible.
I grew up in a community where academic and professional success were emphasized over everything else. I went with the flow for fourteen years, but after losing my few friends at the end of middle school, I decided to change since this mindset just isn’t for me. Deep down, I’ve always valued love, friendship, and company. They say change is never easy, but that is, to say the least, an understatement.
Quite frankly, I’m a “boring” person. My interests are super niche, and I just couldn’t get into topics of conversation that most enjoy. No matter how hard I tried, it was always an endless cycle of meeting someone and them realizing I’m boring and only using me for homework answers. And don’t get me started on talking to girls. Coming from a household that told me to suppress romantic feelings until graduate school, I had zero preparation on top of my negligible social skills, physical appearance, and so much more. All I wanted was the standard high school experience – hanging out with friends, meeting great people, taking cute girls to dances… none of that worked out.
Constant failure led to my emotions completely slipping out of control my sophomore year. It took me a few months to realize that this isn’t just sadness, but rather depression. It is a never-ending feedback loop that made pursuing the things I wanted so much harder. Throughout my sophomore and junior years, my depression caused me to complain about life to the people around me, making me the school’s annoying kid. The end of a two-year long crush and my parents finding out how I was rebelling against their culture made things so much worse. My time in high school ended with a string of failed crushes that rejected me even as friends, leaving me completely hopeless about finding happiness.
College was supposed to be a clean slate, but it wasn’t. The friends I met initially soon focused on their own lives. I got close with my roommate in the fall, but he joined a fraternity in the spring which took up much of his time. There wasn’t a great sense of community in my first organization. I realized the girl I liked was yet another impossible wish. It was like high school all over again. During the toughest of times, I utilized the GT Counseling Center and CARE. They provided me with bursts of hope when I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but simply not enough to reverse so many years of depression.
What made me feel the worst was that I thought the things I wanted were so trivial to most people. Just seeing friends laughing, classmates studying together, couples holding hands, or even social media posts and my abysmal follower count made me feel like trash. How much more useless can someone get not being able to accomplish the most basic things in life?
A few months before COVID, my RA recommended me to give a particular organization a shot. I joined, and realized through meeting new, like-minded people that my assumption that my goals are trivial is outright false, as so many people struggle making friends but never vocalize it. Also, people that make friends easily may struggle with other aspects in life I may take for granted. The people in the organization reassured me that I was doing great, and instead of dwelling on my weaknesses, I should think about all the strengths I have and how some people would actually appreciate them.
Hearing their words gave me a new perspective to my situation. Depression is an actual psychological condition, not just “something that happens in your mind,” and it cannot be reversed overnight. But rather than constantly dwell on my weaknesses and setbacks, I should accept them and find peace in the fact that they are part of who I am. Because nobody is perfect, and these weaknesses, along with my strengths, sets me apart from others. Just because my perception is that most people think I’m boring and ugly doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who are willing to get to know me deep down and accept and love me.
That’s why I tell people to never be ashamed or afraid to be yourself. There simply isn’t an “admissions committee” for friendship and love. You don’t have to enjoy small talk to find friendship or be tall and skinny to find a romantic partner in the same sense that you need a decent GPA to get into Tech. You just have to be authentic, and the right people will naturally come to you. Even if only 1% (an underestimate) of people accept who you are, that’s still 3.3 million out of the 330 million people in the United States, and 165 out of the 16.5 thousand undergraduates at Tech. That’s a lot of people, and with enough time, you will get a chance to really get to know one of them, and they will accept and love you more than you could imagine.
Going into my third year with this mindset, although I’m not that much better off, I get down on myself a bit less than before. It is still hard for me to believe that I will find love and company when experience suggests the opposite. There are still many days where I slip back and cry in bed for hours. But progress is progress – every journey has a beginning, and recovery from depression is no exception. There are a few days every week where I think positively and remind myself that more likely than not, a few people I met through organizations and classes will be willing, and may have already started, to accept who I am. That makes me just a bit more hopeful that I will not only find company one day, but also recover from depression and genuinely be a happy person.
Mental illness is very crippling especially with college life and COVID, so just by being here, you should be proud of yourself. But always keep in mind that your weaknesses and failures do not paint a full picture of yourself, even if they get in the way of your goals. Your strengths hold just as much, if not more, weight in helping you accomplish what you want. Also, remember that we are all here for you. One of my favorite things about Tech is how everyone is so supportive of each other and are willing to help. I learned how supportive people in my organization can be by opening up about my struggles. I assure you that if you do the same, so many people will be there for you, including the entire IYRT staff. So keep pushing on, and one day, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and will emerge stronger than ever.
If you’re reading this, never be afraid to be yourself. You are doing amazing.
Cory W., Georgia Tech ‘22
