If you’re reading this, I understand.
I always thought of myself as happy and full of life until, one day, I found myself slowly sinking into a pit of ambivalence and sorrow. It was one of the most frustrating and heartbreaking things I’ve had to endure in my life. All I wanted was to physically freeze so that I could just become numb instead of feeling empty despair. Many people in my life reminded me to do the things I love: art, organizing, and dancing, but none of them brought me joy or fulfillment anymore. I felt like I had lost a part of myself and was on autopilot, going through the motions with no aspirations or inspiration. It sucked.
Before I sought professional help, every time I tried to look for solutions or confided in my friends, I felt worse afterward. My friends are some of the warmest, most empathetic people I know, but I didn’t think they knew how to help me. That lack of understanding, that lack of empathy, is isolating. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me beyond my change of passion.
The dark cloud I had over me clung to my spirit no matter what I did. It was persistent and agonizing. Some days I decided to make it my friend. Others I would cry and panic that I couldn’t escape. Regardless of my perspective, it was still there, still present. People are taught to bury their feelings deep inside and never show them, but I finally realized that the mechanisms I was using weren’t helping. I felt weak like I had failed in some twisted way because I couldn’t take care of myself.
I struggled with depression and anxiety for seven months before I was ready to get help. It took me four months to realize I wasn’t well, and it took me another three to seek out professional help. And that’s ok. It’s ok that it took me that long to realize I wasn’t alright. It’s ok that I tried to find my own self-sufficient solutions before going to a professional. It’s ok that even after six months of professional help, I still have bad days or weeks. It’s a process. Depression is not something that gets fixed in a month or a year. Moods are like tides that rise and fall. But, if I’m down, that’s ok so long as I don’t take an extended stay in the deep end anymore.
I want you to know that if you are suffering from depression that I understand. I understand that mental state and how persistent it is. It sucks. But if you’re reading this and trying to get better, I want to share the poem that made me feel a semblance of normalcy amidst my misery:
Are You Sure? By Thich Nhat Hanh
All of us are only human,
And we have wrong perceptions every day.
Our spouse or partner is also subject
To wrong perceptions,
So we must help each other to see more clearly
And more deeply.
We should not trust our perceptions too much-
That is something the Buddha taught.
“Are you sure of your perceptions?” He asked us….
There is a river of perceptions in you.
You should sit down on the bank of this river
And contemplate your perceptions
Most of our perceptions, the Buddha said,
Are false.
Are you sure of your perceptions?
This question is addressed to you.
It is a bell of mindfulness.
Grace G.
Wake Forest ‘22
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