Anxiety and depression have plagued my days far more than they haven't and to be honest, I feel blessed for the lessons I have learned. When I first started to really struggle with it, around senior year of high school, I felt hopeless every single day. I felt hopeless because I could think of times in my life that I felt so happy, content and relaxed and could not fathom how I felt so different when I wasn't doing anything different than my past self, my friends and my family.
This went on for years. I started college, had an amazing girlfriend, family and friends. I still couldn't understand why I felt like this. I would obsess about it constantly, plummeting me further and further into the sea of depression and self-pity and making it even more difficult to swim back to the surface.
It would have stayed this way forever if I had let it and probably would have led my life to a point where I would have taken my own life or put myself in a position I could never recover from.
I finally realized that my own obsession, fear and negativity over my mental health issues was causing more damage than the mental health issues themselves.
I realized these things were out of my control. Chemical imbalances in my brain that caused me to feel different than other people was something I would likely have to deal with for the rest of my life and constantly feeling sad and victimizing myself was doing nothing to push me in the direction I needed to be.
This led to a new way of thinking. Instead of comparing myself to my past self who was happy and content, I compared each day to myself at my worst. I couldn't lose, because I had gotten myself to my worst point and did not want to go back. This new outlook granted perspective and hope. If I had improved from that worst day, I can improve from today, and all I can do is my best moving forward.
Realizing that I can control the way I perceive the things I cannot control is the greatest blessing I have ever given to myself.
Every day is a struggle when you have an invisible force pulling you further underwater. Feeding into the negative energy is like adding weights to your feet. Positive thinking may not be a life vest, but it may help you swim to the surface with a healthy lifestyle, proper medication, therapy and anything else you may find solace in. I'm not at the surface, and I may never be, but I'll never stop swimming.
Much love, and please reach out to me if you ever need someone to talk to, anyone reading this. My phone number is (301) 221-8337.
- Justin R.
