If you’re reading this, I’m just as lost as you are.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been afraid of the unknown. This has materialized in many different ways throughout my life. When I was younger, it was a fear of the dark. And now that I’m older and slightly less afraid of the monsters under my bed, I find myself fearing what I must face each and every day–the future. Whether it’s tomorrow, five years from now, or five decades, I feel the need to plan out and micromanage each part of my future out of fear of not being in control. In each choice I make, I think of how it will impact my future self and make her life better, easier, or more secure.
But that’s the thing, life isn’t secure.
Growing up, my dad always told me “You make a plan and God laughs.” And being the strong, independent child I was, I thought that I was the exception to this. Certainly, I could make a plan and stick to it if I was determined enough and worked hard. If only I could still live in that distorted daydream I once had. I remember entering college I had designed a detailed 10-year plan of what career I would pursue, where I would work, when I would get married—the whole nine yards. Little did I know about five months later I would almost fail my first college class in the major I was planning on pursuing (and have an entire life crisis about it over winter break).
That’s when I decided that plans don’t work.
If I had been following the plans I set for myself when I was younger, who knows the kind of person I would be today. I think first, I would be a professional singer (like Taylor Swift or Hannah Montana), then probably a teacher, and then a therapist (..until I realized that I hated helping people with their problems–I just needed to go to counseling.) Honestly, I have no idea what my life would look like, but that’s kind of the beauty of it. Each decision and change of plans has brought me to where I am today, and into the person I am today.
But I still don’t really know who that is.
It’s hard to go about life feeling like you know a completely different version of yourself than everyone else does. A lot of times when I get to know someone, one of the first things they’ll say is “I thought you were such a bitch when I met you” or “I thought you were so full of yourself”. As someone who has struggled with deep-set insecurity as early as fifth grade, I can assure you I am definitely not full of myself. I can’t really testify to the first part, but most people have said that perception has changed after having a conversation with me. And while people say this in a lighthearted manner, after the fact, it still forces me to wonder why people think these awful things about me.
And that’s the problem, people think what they want.
No matter how kind I am to strangers. No matter how big or little of an effort I put into my appearance. No matter how intentional I am in my friendships and relationships. I can never determine what people think about me. And that’s what kills me the most. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I want people to think that I’m an anxious, insecure mess who can’t handle other people’s opinions, but I do wish they knew that before they judged me prior to even having a conversation. I like to think I don’t do anything to make people think negatively about me, other than an accidental RBF or unfiltered thought. But at the end of the day, I honestly don’t think it matters what I do or say or think, I just can’t have everyone like me.
So I guess I’ll just keep on living.
Living the way I want to, doing things that make me happy. Still worrying about what other people think, of course, but hopefully a little bit less than normal. Because at the end of the day the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life is yourself. And if you’re not happy with the person that is, how could you possibly be happy with your life? It’s a lot easier said than done, but if there’s anything I’ve learned along the way, the only thing we can do is try.
That is something I can be sure of.
-Morgan M., University of South Carolina ‘24
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