Dear Reader,
The following contains discussion of sexual assault and mental health. If these topics are sensitive to you, please read and approach with caution. If you also resonate with these words and want to come forward, please seek professional help. You are such a light in the world and deserve whatever help possible.
If you’re reading this, you are not to blame.
For a while when I was younger, money was tight, and I didn’t know if I was going to have a Christmas, a birthday, or even a home again. The kid that you saw at school wearing the same clothes, the same shoes, or even didn’t have their hair brushed was me. In a matter of minutes, my life was turned upside down and taught me the true importance of family and also of hardship.
Growing up I was overly cautious, overly nervous, and overly hesitant to do anything or be around anyone. My mom taught at my school and my dad was always one phone call away if I needed him. It seemed perfect that my family was so supportive of me and made sure that I felt safe regardless of where we came from. I never really had to fend for myself because my parents made sure I knew they were always there.
Then college came and I realized I was seven hours away on my own.
Coming to an out-of-state college was not an experience I was prepared for. I felt weak, small, and exhausted trying to push myself to be something I wasn’t, just like many freshmen feel. I had no friends first semester and sat alone for my meals every single day of the week. I lost hope in making this experience great, but genuinely lost sight of who I was. Losing myself felt like the worst thing that I could have happened to me. I grew up strong, faced adversity, and fought to be who I am today. And that all slipped away in a matter of days.
I was no longer the girl that strived to be in leadership roles, pushed myself to have good grades, or walked up to strangers and introduced herself. I was puny. I was nothing but the shell of the girl I was before coming here. I drowned out my issues through other outlets and slipped even further away from the surface of fixing my life. That is when I lost everything.
I was sexually assaulted spring semester of my freshman year.
Reading those words and realizing they are about myself is hands down one of the hardest things about what happened. You watch the TV shows and think that it could never be you until it is. I scrubbed my body until my skin was raw and even then, felt dirty and even smaller than I had in the weeks leading up to this. I was no longer the girl that felt safe and could call her parents for help, as I did not want anyone to know what had happened to me.
I eventually, and with the help of my now close friends who I am more than thankful for, sought out help for what had happened. I found strength in my struggles and had turned a negative moment into a positive outlet for change and stigma breaking for victims like me. I fought past the negative thoughts and continued to strive for more. I came to the realization that this was not my fault, that it is okay to call myself a victim, and that I am in control.
Months later, I struggle with anxiety and depression but am working towards using these things to help others that just aren’t quite ready to share their story.
With that being said, YOU, and I, and EVERYONE around us are so much more than just a body. That goes for both guys and girls. We are all strong, beautiful, and the light in every room. Please don’t let one moment define how you see yourself. If you need encouragement, come and find me. If you need professional help, please ask for it. If you need a shoulder to cry on, reach out and grab one. The first step is admitting that some things are out of your control and then you can start to feel a little bit stronger from there.
I attempt now to walk with grace and dignity. I now have amazing friends and relationships that have made life so much easier. Find your group. Find the best possible version of you.
I’m still working on myself, but it is the most rewarding struggle I could have ever anticipated.
You are enough.
-Savannah B., University of South Carolina Class of ‘24
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