If you’re reading this, you are a human being.
I miss my great grandmother so much. I don’t talk about her to anyone very often, but she was such a supportive and enigmatic force in my life and I honestly don’t think I would be where I am today without her influence.
When we lost her I felt nothing. It was startling to me that absolutely no emotions were coming up. No tears, no hyperventilation, no frowns, no awareness, just a blank stare as I observed the grief of those around me.
Maybe it was then that my relationship to feelings of loss became fractured. To this day any form of loss - failing tests, passing time, losing materials, losing relationships - is intolerable and will send me into a spiral eventually ending in a place of deep silence. And, for the longest time, I mistook this silence as content. The spiral was no spiral at all, it was just a normal reaction to the world around me. Things are crazy, so it’s only natural that my reaction is equally as boggling, right?
But no no no, the mind had other plans for me. Where I thought I was sitting in a dark room with an easily accessible light switch, my mind had placed me on a raft in the middle of the sea. Calm waters, deeper than my own imagination, ignored for now but shaken whenever I tried to move.
So what do we do when one movement could send us to the bottom of the ocean never to be seen again?
Don’t move.
Being on falsely calm waters is wonderful. The air is misty, but clear most times and everything you need to get done can be done easily. There are no distractions of feeling or emotions. They want self care? Okay, here’s a face mask and a smoothie. I’ll go for a walk and blast music into my ears listening to nothing, looking outwards at the sky and trees. Sadly, my inattention does not quiet the seas.
A wave comes! I’m knocked off of my raft and into the water. This is ok, this is ok. I can swim. I can still get things done. Oh, wait, where’s my raft? What about the paddle? When was that deadline? This is ok. What day is it? Why is the water so cold? This is ok. But it isn’t and maybe you should’ve listened to your mom all those years ago when she told you,
“Just talk to me! What’s wrong?”
And you cry and you forget how to swim for a split second then you drown. Never to be seen again?
Throughout my academic career I’ve been knocked into the water many times. By standardized tests, moving away to college, tackling new relationships, losing old relationships, overbooking or overworking myself; and the list goes on. As I tried to maintain my semblance of calm against my internal uproar I only buckled down more. I was pragmatic, I was mean to myself, I was self deprecating all to maintain outward appearances.
I still feel so sorry.
It became clear that I could not ignore the ocean. My emotions will grow and shrink however they want, whenever they want, and whether or not I want them to. I am a thinking, feeling, living, breathing human being and can’t necessarily run away from that. And that is now, through continued therapy, okay.
The objective has changed. Instead of expending all that energy avoiding the ocean for fear of drowning or disappearing or whatever your own worries about embracing your negative emotions are, it may be easier to experience them and learn how to float.
The first few times can feel terrible. You have been avoiding these things for a reason. It may also take up time and energy which isn’t ideal in the world we live in. But it will be worthwhile and there are people around you out there who are willing to wait for you, be with you, listen to you, and help you as you go through these emotions.
They will be there.
Eventually, after all your hard work, the waves won’t bother you so much. Eventually, the waters will be still.
If you’re reading this, I hope that one day you can trust yourself and experience your feelings as authentically as you wish.
Shyan O., Boston University School of Medicine ‘24
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