Please Note: In my letter, I will be discussing my experiences with suicidal ideation and heavily disordered eating. I also discuss my thoughts and feelings during this time in my life. If this will be triggering to you in any way, please opt not to read or make sure you have the support and resources you may need before reading. Take care of yourself.
If you’re reading this, know that you are loved.
As I start this letter, it is hard for me to even believe my own first words… that I myself am loved. At the root of my mental health struggles has been a persistent voice telling me I am unlovable. How to overcome this voice in its entirety I cannot say, as I have not yet achieved such a feat, but I’m sure as hell trying and I hope my story can help you try too.
I have forever sought validation from others. Whether it be the validation of my parents being proud their daughter was doing well in school, of my coaches commending my hardworking attitude, of my peers asserting their desire for my friendship through invites to birthday parties and after-school hangouts. To me, these were all quantifiable measures that I was loved.
I had established myself as an incredibly happy child, which was true through and through. My validation had yet to be challenged and I was in blissful ignorance of any negativity directed at me. This being said, it only took a minor crack for my foundation of self-worth to come crumbling down.
Hearing I had been the talk of an after-school gathering, centering around how I was “fat and ugly”, sent me into a spiral of emotions. I take this moment as the catalyst for what would be a now 8-year battle with my self-worth. It first materialized as severely disordered eating in an effort to combat the “fat” part of the aforementioned statement. It was easy enough to hide from my parents and friends. As I said, I established myself as a happy person. And the fact that they didn’t notice the circles growing under my eyes or the muscle draining from my legs only compounded my idea that they didn’t love or care about me.
These feelings of being unloved overtook my perception of my worth. I woke up every day feeling utterly unloved. I had suicidal thoughts constantly. I hated myself and I believed no one else loved me, so why not end my suffering? However, I knew my fear of the aftermath of my death would prevent me from going through with it. I will be eternally grateful for that thought.
If you feel unloved, please know that as strong as those feelings can be you are so deeply loved and cared for. When your self-worth is lacking, it can be incredibly difficult to perceive the love others have for you, but I promise you it is there.
Please tell the people you love that you love them. Tell them with sincerity and make sure they know. Don’t wait for a moment where you realize they might need to hear it. When I was at my lowest point, no one knew what I was feeling. Someone you know might be struggling with the same things I have talked about here and I cannot stress enough how significant an affirmation of your love for them will be.
If you’re reading this, I care about you. I think you’re beautiful, inside and out. And I love you.