If you’re reading this, remember you don’t always have to be someone else’s sunshine.
Sunshine has been a constant nickname for me ever since I could remember. This could stem from my blonde hair, my generally happy demeanor or whatever else people see in me, but it is part of my identity at this point. This is the role that I have assigned myself in all of my relationships; to be the one responsible for making other people happy.
This became an issue when my light had run out.
This past semester was the lowest I had ever been. A combination of a lot of things really piled up: COVID, lost relationships, academic difficulties and so on. Optimism is usually my specialty. However, as the days went by, I found it increasingly difficult to pull the sunshine out of the situation at hand.
Things that once made me so happy unenthused me. My responses to people were slow. My confidence in myself was gone. My anxiety came back at full throttle. I stopped eating regularly. I genuinely thought I was unlovable.
All of these feelings were so valid, but I still felt like an imposter to those around me. I would act so happy and relaxed in front of my friends, terrified of not being able to be their sunshine. I figured if I couldn’t even be happy, how am I ever going to make anyone else happy.
Writing this out now, I realize that all of this pressure was self-inflicted. I love the people in my life with my whole heart, and the idea of not being able to be there for them crushes me. However, I realized that I have to be my own sunshine before I can be someone else’s. The relationship one has for themself is the most important one you can have.
While this past semester was dark, I am still able to find so much light as I reflect on it. I found so many new and amazing friendships. My existing relationships became so much deeper. I had decent grades. I joined a new organization. I’m on an amazing team. I go to my dream school! Most importantly, the relationship I have with myself is one of the healthiest things I have now. By no means have I mastered it, but compared to where I came from, I am a completely different person.
Maybe no one will resonate with me as they read this article, but please be assured that you are allowed to put yourself first. Invest time into reflecting on your emotions and thoughts. Allow yourself to feel everything! Give yourself grace when you’re angry with yourself.
Everyone deserves to bask in their own sunlight.
Brooke S., Clemson University ‘23
