If you’re reading this, don’t forget to look out for yourself.
From my tadpole days, I have tried to make people smile. When I was younger, this drive produced one-woman shows, slightly burnt baked goods, and ridiculous impersonations. In recent years, it has manifested itself in bundles of flowers, personalized playlists, randomly shared photographs, meal swipes, and relatable memes sent at all hours of the day. Nothing says love quite like sharing Newcomb feasts or afternoon naps on the Lawn with dear friends.
But not all of my endeavors to spread joy were executed by healthy means, as I was ignoring my personal health along the way.
I ignored my own work to help others with theirs.
I did not buy my own groceries so I would have money to spend on friends.
I avoided my problems by trying to help others fix theirs.
I tried to resolve my own emotional health by centering my life around others’ happiness.
I kept it to myself when I was upset, because I believed sharing my thoughts would burden others.
I laughed off real pain to prevent others from worrying.
Trying to put a smile on those around me at all times was exhausting. My unwillingness to pay attention to my mental health drove me to rock bottom. I feared that my friends only kept me around because they knew I was willing to drop everything for them.
After already going through a few rough months, it all changed for the worse in a couple of days. A combination of finals season and the impending graduation of my closest friends brought the very real problems I had been avoiding to surface. The anxieties I felt in my relationships prevented me from discussing my thoughts with friends. I spent three days unable to leave my room because I lacked the energy to address the troubles I was facing. At the end of the third day, I broke down after a roommate asked me how my day was. I realized that I could not go on in the same way, so I left UVA to focus on myself.
At home, I chose to spend time alone. I set daily goals. I made a checklist of mandatory daily self-care tasks to keep my body operating. The miles between my childhood home and Charlottesville gave me some space to reflect on how I’d gotten into my current predicament, and elucidated the importance of self-preservation.
At this moment I cannot tell you that I am glad for the experience I went through last spring. And I will not pretend that I can now handle self-care well, or that I have any authority to recommend personal and mental health routines. What I will tell you is that I am grateful for my experience because it taught me one of the most important lessons: you simply cannot care for others if you do not care for yourself.
This period of my life taught me the necessity of personal self-care. Now, when I’m planning my days, I actually take this into consideration and set aside a portion of my day solely to focus on myself. Now that I have the skills to actually look after myself, I am capable of positively affecting my friends without worrying that I am hurting myself in the process.
I write to you now to ask you not to disregard your mental well-being. And I write to you now with the hope of reminding you to first preserve your own happiness. Your health is not something you can choose to ignore. Your anxieties will not leave you just because you don’t address them.
Look out for your health. Prioritize yourself.
If you’re reading this, don’t forget to look out for yourself.
Lucy H., University of Virginia ‘20