If you’re reading this, your obsessions, anxieties, and their physical manifestations do not define your worth.
Growing up I didn’t know much about mental health. My brain was occupied by obsessive thoughts, rumination, and overthinking, but in my naivety, I believed these traits were simply personality flaws. I was the teammate at soccer who was too afraid to touch the ball for intense fear of humiliation. I was the indecisive sister, who spent hours in store dressing rooms crippled by the seemingly life altering choice of which dress color I liked best. I was the overly sensitive daughter who struggled to regulate her emotions. I was the friend that scanned every conversation and text message to make sure I had said just the right words.
As I worked my way through high school, I still lacked the language to describe how I was feeling inside, and this manifested in a deep sense of self hate. As my stress peaked junior year, I developed another trait that only worsened my self-loathing: compulsive scalp and skin picking. What started as a mindless habit while studying quickly grew into a compulsive behavior. My scalp, arms, legs, and back were perpetually dotted with red marks and sometimes even blood because of constant scratching. I felt disgusting, alone, and embarrassed for not being able to stop myself.
To my disappointment, these “undesirable traits” only grew stronger as I navigated my transition into the Villanova community. Freshman year I spent nights awake ruminating over conversations and social interactions from the day before. My brain told me that every change in tone and body language was a sign that a friend was annoyed, upset with me, or bored of me. Furthermore, I felt a desperate need to have intense control over all my social interactions and would fall into a downward spiral if I had to choose between overlapping plans. I was plagued with decision paralysis and struggled to prioritize. I would constantly text my sister asking for her reassurance.
All the while I continued in a constant cycle of scratching at my scalp all day, showering every night to try to soothe the pain and promising to stop forever, then feeling like a failure when I’d inevitably start again the next day.
By sophomore year the anxiety and obsessions had latched onto almost every aspect of my college life. Academically, I had a deep-seeded fear of failure, and my brain often felt paralyzed during exams due to anxiousness. Physically, I had developed digestive issues, physical ticks such as shoulder twitches, and I couldn’t think straight without my fingers on my scalp. Socially, I struggled in my closest relationships and was consumed by an intense fear of imperfect social interactions. Emotionally, I was struck by frequent waves of tears that often came without explanation. I felt crazy, like I was uncontrollably unraveling while everyone else at Nova was thriving. I often fell down Google “rabbit holes” trying to find answers. I was so scared to share my habits with anyone because they made me feel crazy, so I kept it all in.
As Sophomore fall turned to winter, my mental struggles had begun impacting those that I cared about the most and I felt unrecognizable to myself. I finally accepted it was time to ask for help. Through therapy, I have discovered the language to help describe my social anxiety, obsessions/compulsions, and dermatillomania (skin picking). I have learned that my “bad habit” of scratching is actually my body attempting to cope and self-soothe. I am not gross or weak for struggling to stop this compulsion. I have worked to implement healthier coping skills that work in harmony with my neurodivergent traits instead of trying to fight them. I have turned to art and running to channel my restless brain energy into something joyful. While I still face setbacks in my journey, I am so grateful for the resources and opportunities I have had to grow into the confident and self-compassionate person I am today. I can truly see the strengths in my differences, and that is a beautiful feeling.
Please know: you are not broken, you are not alone, it’s never too late to seek help, you deserve to celebrate the light within you!
Maria T., Villanova University ‘23
FOLLOW @IFYOUREREADINGTHISNOVA TO STAY UP TO DATE ON NEW LETTERS AND EXCITING UPDATES
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.