Dear Reader,
Samantha’s letter describes her personal journey with domestic violence, PTSD, and suicide and we advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to our Peer Contacts or one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The Staff of IfYoureReadingThis
If you’re reading this, you’re enough.
For a while, I didn’t know whether or not I should write this letter. I was scared of the repercussions; scared of sharing my story with mental health. My battle with it is far from over. I think this, however, is what makes continuous outreach important. Healing is a process that does not always have a clear endpoint in sight.
I had a fairly normal childhood growing up. I played soccer, did gymnastics, and had a loving family at home. I felt happy until middle school when I first began to struggle with feelings that I can now identify as symptoms of depression. I never thought I was good enough. I struggled through these feelings with no help until I was fifteen. This was the year that I got a phone call informing me that my friend lost his life to suicide. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. As time went on I slipped into a dark place. I rarely left my room. Negative, suicidal thoughts consumed me. I felt guilty and alone. I was lucky enough to go to therapy shortly after this happened. This was kind of helpful for a while, but if I’m being honest, I was making only slight progress and eventually stopped going. Life continued on, and I felt comfort through my friends and family, but depression continued to consume me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my friend and the people that were a part of his life.
A little over a year later, I started dating my first boyfriend which was exciting because all I had felt for the longest time was sadness. The depression I was experiencing made me vulnerable and what I thought would be a happy and fun first relationship quickly turned into something terrifying.
I did not understand how prevalent relationship abuse was in our society and neither did anyone around me. Within a few months every aspect of my life was being controlled, from who I could talk with to what music I could play in my car. I was isolated from everyone. I was made to feel crazy despite the fact that my emotional responses were appropriate given his behavior. I was blamed for his anxiety, which I now know is not my fault. At the time I did not understand what was happening, I just thought I wasn’t good enough for him. Now I know I was being emotionally, mentally, physically, and verbally abused. I was belittled through insults and name-calling. My car was damaged with his fists. I was harassed and assaulted. These actions, including manipulation, intensity, possessiveness, sabotage, guilting, volatility, deflecting responsibility, and betrayal, were all present in my relationship. They are also the signs of relationship abuse and indicators of future violence.
The abuse coupled with all the other things destroyed me. The gaslighting and manipulation were too intense for me to handle; I came to think I was a horrible human being and that I was worthless. I wondered why the people around me didn’t care about what was happening to me; I wondered if his friends knew and were encouraging it. The shame I felt consumed me. I wondered how it was possible for anyone to not know, it seemed pretty obvious that something was off to me. I was trapped and scared. I became depressed yet again.
Coming to UVA was life-changing for me. I made friends that I truly love, appreciate, and can connect with. They helped me realize what was going on and helped me understand that I am enough and that I deserve better. My friends brought me to One Love meetings, which is an organization dedicated to relationship abuse education. With their help, I was able to clearly see what was happening to me. I eventually ended contact with my ex a little over a year ago, when I learned that he had been tricking me into thinking he had cancer.
While One Love was helpful in me eventually getting out of the relationship, I still had to heal. Trauma literally changes your brain. I didn’t get out of bed most days because I had no energy; my blood felt like lead. My grades suffered. I could barely function. I was angry at everything and everyone all the time. I eventually went to CAPS, where I was diagnosed with PTSD. Taking this first step, although it can seem daunting, was necessary to get me to where I am today.
Although I still struggle with my mental health, I can confidently say I’m doing much better because I was able to find the right help. I’m able to feel happiness again. I feel like my life has a purpose and I know that I am enough, no matter what anyone says.
I wanted to write this because domestic violence and mental health are public health issues, ones that are only being exacerbated by COVID-19. They are widespread problems and you most likely know someone who has been impacted by both. It is essential that we all check up on our friends, whether it appears as though they are struggling or not. It could save a life.
Samantha A., University of Virginia ‘22
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